family · grief

A Hard Year has Passed

The worst year in my life is slowly being eclipsed by a new year.

I jumped into reselling on the Poshmark app with both feet during the most difficult time in my life., my Mother was slowly dying. 3 years after being diagnosed with breast cancer, my Mom was in the hospital over Christmas 2017. Chemo had weakened her and the pain of the tumors against her joints had broken her spirit. The doctors announced that a tumor was pressing on her brain.

In January 2018 once she was released we decided as a family that we supported her decision to stop treatment altogether. We got more 6 months with her, but the most painful months of her journey. Sometimes I wonder what’s more painful, watching someone you love’s personality change or their physical features and abilities. It’s a toss up, it’s like starting to grieve but your person is still there with you.

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Thankfully things were quiet at my work and they allowed me to adjust my schedule. I would work 10 hour days M-TH and then spend Friday’s at my parents’ cleaning, getting lunch out, dinner planned, and making sure any appointments my were on the calendar. When my Mom was sleeping I’d often go out sourcing. She slept a lot.

 

Weeknights were spent listing and packing sales. I’d walk my sales to the post office during my workday. Weekends were spent photographing and getting organized for another long week. I had a Fulltime job, side hustle, and a lot of family drama. Yet I pressed on. Poshmark was the only place I felt like I could experience positively. It was the only place I could pour into and see fruition.

Last year May was filled with immense pain. Each “Mother’s Day Sale!” “Get your Mom’s perfect gift today!” seemed like cruel jabs that I was approaching the last Mother’s Day I’d ever spend with my own Mom. (And by the way, as someone you love is approaching the end of their life, you realize how trivial gifts/material things are.)

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It took me months until I could make it through a store, after my Mom died from breast cancer on June 8, 2018, that had Mother/Daughter duos shopping together. Often I’d leave and some situations, like a really good thrift sale, I’d choke back the tears. In my mind it was just another reminder that my Mom is gone forever I will never shop with her again. My Mom never knew that I quit my corporate job and took my small business full time. I will never talk business strategy with her. I will never discuss sourcing tips. I won’t ever show her a haul of what I got. She will never help with aspects of my business, ever.

With every hurt there can be healing. Even though my Mom is gone, I can at least admit I think Mother’s Day is a bullshit holiday. I’m not joking, I really do believe that. I digress, I put the time in to go to Grief Share, an incredibly worthwhile class/group for those dealing with Grief. I let me feel all the feels. If I was going to cry in my laundry room holding a sweater of hers, by George I was going to let the water works roll.

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I have to tell you now, I’m doing well. Do I miss my Mom? Yes. I’d give all the money I’ve ever had to have coffee with her again. However, I’ve made it through the hardest year of my life, literal hell on earth. I learned compassion and empathy. I worked hard. I didn’t play a victim. I thanked God for His grace. I saw the bittersweet connection between love and heartbreak. I recognized what happiness is. I held the rest of my family a littler closer. Although I still hate Mother’s Day, I’m thankful for where I am today in my grief journey and for the amazing loving women who left her legacy behind in the form of 5 children, 4 grandkids, and her life partner, my Dad.

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